How To: Enforce Boundaries
Setting boundaries is difficult.
It takes self-awareness, courage, and assertiveness. But once you've set the boundary, it doesn't stop there; you have to keep enforcing it.
Enforcing boundaries is a part of life, and doesn't always need to be scary. When we think of someone crossing a boundary, our minds tend to jump to a manipulative, "toxic" person who will explode when confronted. Yes, people like that do exist. But 98% of the time that you enforce a boundary, it's probably with someone you love, who loves you, and both of you are learning how to be in a relationship with each other.
When I was in college, my relationship with my mother was going through some big changes. I wanted to graduate from receiving unsolicited advice on my life choices. My mom still thought of me as her baby and was afraid of me getting hurt. For all she knew, that advice would save me from terrible pain! I probably wasn't the best at calmly enforcing boundaries at that time. But this all came to a head when I started crying in front of my aunt (embarrassing) and had to remove myself from the situation and go be alone in another room for a bit. When we talked afterwards, I told her how I was feeling. I wanted to be able to have honest and open conversations about my life with her, but when she made certain comments, that made me feel like I shouldn't share anything with her. My mom had crossed that boundary so many times (to be fair again, I probably wasn't communicating as well as I
could have), but once we had a heart-to-heart, things changed. I am so happy that we both spent the effort, made mistakes, and kept trying, because now we have a closer relationship than ever.
Enforcing boundaries is worth it. Enforcing boundaries sometimes kindly and sometimes helpfully is worth it. Cutting people off is also sometimes worth it. Yes you don't owe anyone an explanation; but you also cannot create a healthy and deep relationship without giving explanations. Only you can read the situation and decide what you need.
Below are some tactics for enforcing boundaries in various situations.
Reinforce
Remind them of your boundary, and let them know they’ve crossed the line and how it’s made you feel. Ask them again to respect your boundary.
“Remember, [behavior] makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you avoid it when you’re around me?”
“Don’t speak to me that way. We’ve discussed this before.”
“I love you, but I don’t want to talk about this right now. I don’t like discussing personal issues in public. Let’s talk about things like this at home in the future.”
Give suggestions
Crossing a boundary can be a learning lesson. Offer some suggestions for how they could approach the same situation in a way that would be appropriate or more comfortable for you.
“When you kiss me on the mouth in public, it makes me uncomfortable. Could you kiss me on the cheek or squeeze my hand instead?”
“When you ask me about my love life, I feel pressured. I’ll share with you when I feel comfortable, please don’t bring it up at all.”
Express your feelings
If this is a recurring situation and you have hope of reaching an understanding, have a longer conversation. Share how this behavior makes you feel and why.
“When you do [behavior], it makes me feel …”
Check out the guide to breakthrough conversations for more tips on how to pinpoint your emotions and share without assigning blame.
Change the subject
If your boundary is being crossed in a conversation, change the subject. You can say "let's talk about something else,"or gently guide the conversation somewhere new.
“I’m not comfortable with this conversation, let’s talk about something else.”
“Did you hear about [interesting event]?”
Disengage
If possible, exit the room or situation. Stop responding to questions. You can explain or make an excuse, whatever you feel you need.
Communicate the stakes
Let them know what will happen if they continue to cross your boundary. This can include: you won't be allowed in my house anymore; I won't take your calls anymore; etc.
Cut contact
If someone in your life is constantly crossing important boundaries, they may not need to be in your life. If it gets to this point, don't get pulled into a long conversation about it. You don't owe them an explanation.
There are so many types of boundaries and ways to enforce them. These are just a few suggestions and don't encompass everything that's possible. Trust yourself and do what you feel!
Cover photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
