How To: Practice Nonattachment
“Attachment is the root of all suffering.” — Buddha
We’re attached to many things in our lives: material things, other people, our own sense of self, thoughts, hopes, beliefs. When these attachments cause us suffering, it’s time to investigate them.
What does attachment feel like?
Some ways that attachment can rear its head in your life:
Anxiety over the future or past
A rollercoaster of hope and despair
Needing a person or a thing
Wanting to understand or figure out everything
Overplanning and overpreparing
Hatred and disgust
Anger when things don’t go your way
Grasping for control
Taking on the emotions of others
Needing to be liked
What is nonattachment?
Nonattachment means letting go of our need for control, understanding, material things, and other people. In a sense, nonattachment is inner peace.
We are human and we will always have attachments. We can only practice nonattachment.
Practicing Nonattachment
Nonattachment can manifest in many ways, depending on the types of attachments that are the most difficult for you. Try out these activities and see which work best for you; and explore more!
Meditate
Watch your breath and your thoughts. Learn to stop reacting to your own reactions.
This teaches you to let go of attachment to your own thoughts and feelings. Meditation is also a great tool to explore your own thoughts and learn how attachments are affecting you. It’s the tool that helps you understand which other tools you need.
Let go of the material
Declutter. Study minimalism. Go camping, take a spending break or go on a long trip with a small suitcase. Appreciate how much you can do with very little.
Our society runs on material attachment and consumerism. It’s normal to feel strong urges to buy that new thing because you feel it will make your life better. Learn to recognize when you’re shopping for a quick hit versus buying something that will bring lasting joy into your life. If you have trouble getting rid of things even when you don’t need them anymore, try giving them away to friends and family who will use them.
If you’d like a book on minimalism, I recommend The Joy of Less by Francine Jay.
Observe
Set aside time to observe the world without judgement. Use all of your senses and simply notice.
Drawing, photography, and any other form of active observation can be very powerful tools for this.
Unplug from your narrative
Through meditation or journaling, unearth the stories you’re telling yourself about your attachments. Notice when reality stops and the narrative begins.
A lot of our attachment to certain events, ideas, or even physical possessions comes not from the things themselves but the stories we tell about them. We need our partner to be exactly on time because if they aren’t, they don’t love us anymore. We need to keep the guitar we never use because otherwise, we aren’t a music person and we aren’t cool. Learning to recognize these stories helps us untangle them.
Become a beginner
Learn a new skill. Read a book about something you know nothing about. Then, reinvestigate things you already “know.” Let curiosity replace perfectionism.
This is especially effective if you’re attached to judgements about other people or yourself based on their knowledge or intelligence, and if you’re attached to perfectionism and needing things to be “right.” Let yourself learn to be wrong and accept doing something imperfectly. Learn something new from someone you’ve been judging. Watch how that changes your perspective on them.
Delegate
Whether it’s something small or something big, let someone else handle a task for you. Don’t question or specify their approach.
This is the first step to letting go of control.
Set emotional boundaries
When someone else’s emotions are running high, watch your response. See what it feels like to validate their emotions without feeling them yourself or offering advice.
Feeling others emotions and wanting people to respond a certain way can be a sign of enmeshment, attachment issues, or codependency. There are a lot of great books on these subjects (and articles you can find online through Google!): Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. are two of them.
Self-soothe
At a time when you’re feeling emotional and like you need to be soothed, turn to your coping mechanisms. Can you learn to calm yourself and make yourself feel loved?
Check out How To: Calm in Five Minutes for some quick ways to soothe yourself.
Accept all possibilities
When you’re worried about the future, let your mind play out the worst-case scenario. Accept it.
Most of the time, the worst thing that can happen isn’t that bad. If it is, you know this is a situation where your anxiety and attachment to a certain outcome is actually helping you.
Be grateful
Focus on what you have. Write down or identify in your mind three things you’re grateful for.
Do this every day, or every time you’re feeling control anxiety.
Cultivate trust
In others, in yourself, in the universe. When you have a fear-based thought, can you counter it with a positive affirmation about your own abilities, others’ intentions, or belief in the future?
Attachment isn’t something we can ever completely overcome; and we probably wouldn’t want to. Although attachment causes pain, it also brings us joy. But our issues with attachment can bring us more pain than is necessary. These tools are just some ways you can start to examine or remove your attachments.
Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash
